Every day in the news, we hear of people playing the race card or the gender card. Both cards are deemed to be in the wrong. The consensus is, don’t play the race card or the gender card! Well, I’m going to tell you about a card I have discovered that you can play quite happily and no one will fault you.

When living in Arizona, I did not feel old at all. I was certainly not feeling like I thought a senior was supposed to feel. However, it came to my attention that you are considered old in the “snowbird” state if you are 60! Whoa, Nelly, I was sure I had a few numbers to go to be considered senior! Darn if I was admitting to being a senior. I have always been very independent and fortunately in good health, so not much slows me down. However, I began seeing all the goodies that 60 and up were obtaining. Cheaper movie tickets, cheaper passes to all entertainments, less expensive meals (including the famous Arizona buffets.) They even have bread discounts for seniors.

I began to realize that vanity was going to wage war with greed. The more I thought about it; the more greed began to edge its way to victory. After all, the cashier at the buffet didn’t know me, so why did I care if they knew I was 60? That is the first time I remember playing the age card. Since then, I have become quite adept when it suits me. That’s the great thing about the age card. In his song the Gambler, you can “hold or fold,” as Kenny Rogers tells you in his song the Gambler.

Never liked meetings? Before, you felt a societal pressure to go and be alternately bored or irritated. Now I just get a faraway look in my eye and say, no, I don’t do meetings. I used to do a lot, but at my age, I’ve decided not to. I’m given a pass; I’ve played the age card. No more meetings for me, unless I want to go.

Grandchildren are indeed a blessing, but sometimes one needs a break. When you were younger, you were expected to have the endurance of a pack mule. If you were tired while you were still young, that wasn’t allowed. Now, however, you can claim a sore shoulder, hip, well you pick, and you are sent home, maybe if you’re lucky with some soup or cookies. The age card triumphs once more.

One of the super things about the age card is it can be used or not, all at your discretion. I am quite capable of lifting and moving 60-pound feed bags. I do it often. However, when I go to North 40 and ask if I need help, I say, “ you bet “! Previously I would’ve smiled and said, no, I can handle this. I eventually thought, what is this gaining me? Here are these young people eager to help me; who am I to deprive them? In this case, I have always come to play the age card. I have to admit sometimes it gripes me. I’ll be at the tailgate watching some young woman putting in the bags, and inside I’m torn with regret that I have allowed her to feel superior. Playing the age card is sometimes not easy.

Christmas for me since coming to Montana has been an endurance contest as far as gifts go. I have five children with spouses or significant others and grandchildren. So shop till I drop getting gifts for everyone. Then it was packing them in my car to go to Canada. I couldn’t wrap them here as the customs people are quite free to unwrap and check what you have. If I had wrapped and then some officious person unwrapped, I would feel compelled to kill the person. So, wishing to avoid drama at the border, I would leave here with a gazillion unwrapped gifts. I would arrive at my house in Saskatchewan and then have the grueling task of taking in all the gifts through the snow and ice. Once settled in, my next task was to wrap the gazillion gifts. I was hunting for wraps, bows, tape, definitely on a mission. Then, it was loading all the gifts into the car again. Next, I would drive to people’s houses, and yes, you guessed it, trek in with the gifts. I am a slow learner. It struck me two years ago that this was time for the age card. I now e-transfer money to each family. They can divide as they see best. All spent on the parents? Fine with me. Playing the age card has made Christmas happy again. I can still pick up odds and ends if I see something really suitable for someone, but there’s no sword hanging over my head to be Traveling Santa.

Now here is an example of playing the age card with a twist. I have four boys, two being daredevils. I suffered for years worrying about skateboarding, mountain biking, snowboarding, you name the dangerous sport, and I have agonized over my boys. They would just laugh and tell me I worried too much. Silly Mom. Just so you know, there were indeed injuries, and at one point, my second oldest temporarily died rescuing some friend from icy water in December. They were rafting!!!!!! Thank God he was resuscitated. Well, fast forward to now, and tables have turned. I am playing the age card with a vengeance. Now it’s me that’s getting texts and phone calls about my dangerous behavior. I’m riding a horse, which is DANGEROUS, and add to that they have seen pictures of me, and I’m NOT wearing a helmet!! I find their alarm quite delicious. Silly boys. I am old, they infer, and they are afraid for my safety. Hahaha. I revel in sending pictures of me beside our biggest horse, who I refer to as a “heavy hitter.” Revenge is best served cold when you’re a senior.

The women nowadays have an age card of a sort that we didn’t have. It’s called Pregnancy Brain. I had five pregnancies and did not know this was something I could have. I was too busy surviving. The weak would’ve been trampled into the carpet along with dinky toys and crackers. However, though I feel sad I was deprived, I can now have senior moments. Now, listen up, you don’t actually have to have senior moments, but they’re darn good excuses. Here’s an example. OH NO, I forgot to take the meat out to defrost this morning. I must’ve had a senior moment. Now we have no choice but to go out to eat. Get the idea??

So now you have been introduced to the age card, feel free to play it. People will be most accommodating and solicitous!