Patching Cracks
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I have a stationary bike in my living room. It serves several purposes. Sometimes it is a coat rack. At other times, it is a fun way to burn off a little energy, though admittedly these times are rare. Usually, the stationary bike is there for the purpose of improving me. I ride it to make me healthier and fitter. Ideally, this means that in the long run, I will likely be happier as a result of using it, but the immediate effect of working out on the bike isn’t my happiness. Happiness is a byproduct of the work I put in. The stationary bike exists for me to do work and to be a better person. This is the mistake folks often make with exercise equipment that results in treadmills and elliptical machines becoming very expensive coat racks. We buy them and assume that they will make us happy, but that happiness is elusive, so we abandon them in favor of other hobbies and habits with more immediate happiness pay off. This is often what happens with marriage in our culture. It is easy to assume that marriage exists for the sole purpose of making us happy. For some lucky folks, their marriage will make them happy without any effort for the rest of their lives. For the majority of couples, marriage takes effort and work, which often doesn’t produce instant gratification. If we assume that marriage exists for our own gratification, then this becomes a very difficult situation to cope with. Marriage can look like it’s broken and can easily devolve into the part of our lives that we deal with in passing, like the treadmill turned coat rack. We simply live our lives with it in the room, never working with it. These situations rise out of a faulty assumption about marriage: it’s purpose is to make us happy. Don’t get me wrong, if done correctly marriage can be one of the greatest sources of joy in our lives. However, for that to be the case we must put in daily effort. In reality, marriage was instituted by God for the purpose of helping us to BE better. Marriage can help us to grow closer to God. It can teach us how to be selfless. It can be a source of great strength in hard times. Ultimately, through these things marriage can make us happier. However, the happiness is a byproduct of our personal growth. This raises the question of how we go about accomplishing these other goals. Accomplishing God’s purpose in marriage begins by developing a deeper relationship with God in the context of our marriage. Ideally, this would happen in a way where both partners trying to grow spiritually together. When one partner doesn’t choose to do this, the other can still grow spiritually and the marriage can still contribute to that growth. The key to that spiritual growth can be found in the teachings of Jesus. One of the recurring themes is selfless love and service of those around us. This is one of the most important components of a healthy marriage. Both partners selflessly love the other and serve out of that love. The purpose of marriage is to refine and grow this tendency within us. Ultimately, there is a deeper happiness that comes about as a result of this disposition toward selflessness that can never be achieved through a self-centered or selfish lifestyle.
