I don't want to write this article, but after mulling it over for some time, I believe it should be written. I am presently grieving the loss of three pets. My Koda, 15, passed in March after a nine-month battle with cancer. Erica Chauvet, our local vet, came to my house at 6:30 a.m. to be with Koda and me and help him pass peacefully in the comfort of his own home, surrounded by love. My dear Chance, my thirty-two-year-old horse, died December 3. Erica Chauvet had come out twice before and was with us when he passed. Having such a compassionate and kind person as a vet is an amazing gift. Thank you, Erica! My little Chip dog passed a week unexpectedly after Chance. He was fifteen. I am going through a rough patch. I am so very fortunate that my husband, Ken, and my children understand what I am going through. Many people who lose a pet feel, perhaps, they are overreacting when they grieve, and indeed, sometimes those closest will criticize and more or less say, "you should be over this by now." What I relate here will be a combination of my own experience and also research on the subject.
When you lose a loved pet, you lose many things. Pets provide you with so much joy. They are unswerving in their love and loyalty to you. They help us through trying times and give comfort with their cuddles and licks. Their happy greeting when you return, whether it be hours or minutes, is so very touching. They become family members and, as such, will be desperately missed. As in grieving a person, each individual will grieve differently. Some feel compelled to ' replace" the pet with another. This is not a replacement; instead, it's another life story beginning. Just as a parent who loses a child may have other children, their child who died is never forgotten, nor are they replaced. So it is with pets. Some people can't bear to go through the pain of loss again and never get another pet. I understand that feeling. Personally, I feel there are so many animals needing loving homes; I would feel selfish, never adopting another once my present pet family is gone. Whatever your decision, no one should question it. No one should question how or how long you grieve. No one should ever dictate to you what you should feel. This situation is no different.
Many things will personalize some of your grief. How your pet died can be a factor. People often blame themselves. I should have done this, or I should have done that. I am no stranger to these thoughts. These can be extremely difficult to deal with. Sometimes talking to a vet or caring friend can help you get a handle on these disturbing thoughts. Sometimes you must work through it alone. People will say things such as, "well, he had a good run--look how old he is." I had a vet say that recently. At the time, I was too distraught to reply, but my reply would be this," I am not grieving for his loss of life. I know this was the kindest thing I could do for him. I am grieving for my loss of a dear companion." This brings me to another statement I will make. Just as you would not leave a human you loved to die alone, so must you be with your pet. When you have a pet, it is your responsibility to provide the best life possible for them and the best death. This means putting aside your feelings and being there for them and providing comfort with your presence, familiar scent, and voice. If you feel you can't be brave enough to do this, please do not get a pet. Being a good pet owner is not for the weak of heart. It is not for the coward. You are not just in it for the good times; you are in it for all times, good or bad.
My daughter, Rebecca, and her family lost their much-loved cat, Weeg, a year and a half ago. Not a day goes by that he is not thought about. Justin, Rebecca's husband, keeps thinking he sees Weeg in the house. Hudson, their eight-year-old, still cries when he sees someone else's cat. He erected an umbrella over Weeg's grave in their yard so that Weeg wouldn't get rained on. This was months after Weeg's passing. Rebecca says so many things make her think of him and that it brings sadness. Not the stabbing grief she experienced at first but grief none the less. When I entered their house, I always looked for Weeg. This September, despite knowing he had passed months before, I looked and automatically searched for dear Weeg. They are part of your life. With humans, you see the empty chair, the spot at the table that isn't occupied. With a pet, you see the empty bed and dishes.
When I was up in the night, I used to navigate around Chip. He had been blind for two years, and due to that, I couldn't have him on the bed as he would fall off. So, he had his bed in the bedroom. I still navigate around his bed; I always check to see how he is doing.
When I went to the horses, my first thought would be, how is my Chanceman? For the last three months, I would have a lump in my stomach till I saw he was alright in the morning. He was failing. I still look for him, and each time I am hit with the realization that he is gone. The permanence of it creeps over you. I will never see him again. We have those same thoughts when losing a human. Grieving for a human or a pet is not so very different.
Being a parent is the most challenging thing you will ever do. I have raised five. As your children grow older, you can see, if you're lucky, some admirable trait you have entrenched. I can look at my children and see people who love, respect, and protect animals. Seeing this makes my heart happy. If you are still raising children, please do not neglect this in your guidance and teaching. You will be making this world a better place." The greatness of a nation can be judged by the way its animals are treated." a quote from Mahatma Gandhi.
There are many places a person can go for support while grieving a pet. On the computer, google, " AKC Pet Loss Support." This website can connect you to support groups-monument companies, portraits, books, CDs, etc. A call to a local animal shelter can give you suggestions. There are online groups as well as groups that meet in person. I expect at this time; the online group would be the best choice. This will allow you to share what you are going through with others in the same boat. Time is your best friend. I believe it helps if you do something commemorative. Frame a picture of your pet, have a farewell service for them, but a stepping stone in your garden or yard, plant flowers, or a tree. Bear Paw Vet Service planted a tree in the rain forest in memory of Koda. After Chip's passing, the cremation company enclosed seeds to plant in his memory. Everyone feels best doing different things regarding your pet's resting place. Maybe you want to spread their ashes in a loved spot. Perhaps you like them buried in your garden. I have kept all the ashes of my dogs and will have them buried with me. My Chance was buried in our pasture. Thank you, Frank Maxwell, who facilitated a respectful burial. I ordered a memorial marker for Chance that just arrived. You can find all manner of urns, monuments, etc., online. Most are very reasonable.
I hope this article will help validate someone else's grief. Perhaps, give people some new ideas or just the thought you are not alone. I also hope those who don't feel about pets as I and others do will better appreciate how someone feels who is grieving a pet and be considerate and compassionate towards this person while going through this most difficult time.
