“In quarreling, the truth is often lost.” Originally written in Latin a couple of millennia ago, this adage is as true today as it was when it was first thought up. I’ve recognized the truth of this idea, particularly in observing arguments and conflicts in marriages. Most fights between spouses start over fairly minor issues, but really get rolling when perceptions of the other’s attitudes, thoughts, or actions throw gas on the tiny spark that is the initial issue. A tone of voice or word choice is perceived as disrespectful or unloving and the argument escalates. This is not to say that there are no fights that happen over serious issues, but rather that most fights begin tiny and shouldn’t become big fights. In these cases, there are a couple of big things that are forgotten.
The first thing that spouses forget when they begin to argue is that the person across from them is someone who they love and who is on the same team as them. At some point in the past, husband and wife stand at an altar and swear before God and family that they will be on the same team for the rest of their lives. They agree to be in it together, through anything and everything. Generally, fights don’t result in this component of marriage being forgotten forever. Rather, it’s forgotten for the duration of the argument. If enough conflict happens, the fact that husband and wife are allies can be forgotten forever. In reality, the escalation that takes place in most fights, takes place in the name of trying to win. We want to win fights. It’s natural. The problem is that in order for one spouse to win a fight, the other is the opponent and has to lose. This is pretty contrary to a loving relationship. In situations where negotiation, compromise, patience, and efforts toward understanding are needed; aggression and one-upmanship are the norm. The solution is constantly reminding yourself that you love your spouse. This needs to be done through time spent together daily, as well as at the moment any argument starts.
Another vital truth that is lost in the heat of a marital spat is the truth that your spouse is probably a good-natured person, who is not intending to be hateful and horrible. It’s true that some marriages devolve to a state where one or both spouses are trying to hurt the other, but this is typically the result of one or both assuming that their partner is the evil enemy out to harm them. In reality, most spouses aren’t out to hurt each other and when they begin doing so, it’s usually a result of carelessness, not knowing that their actions are harmful, or a reaction to perceived offense from their spouse. A wife may perceive her husband’s behavior as unloving, which prompts her to hurt and turn to anger, which he reacts to with increasingly unloving behavior, which makes her angrier, which makes him more unloving, and so forth. The problem is that the inciting behavior is usually a result of a communication breakdown or thoughtlessness. The reactions from both partners is usually rooted in hurt and misunderstanding. The result is a cycle of crazy behavior that is rooted in the assumption that the other person had ill will and “started it.” In reality, neither partner usually has ill will. Forgetting this truth in favor of an anger-tinged assumption is seldom productive. In the coming weeks, this column will look at these ideas more in depth.
