Mark Twin once said that “The worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself.” In my 20 years of working with people as a chaplain and later as a pastor, I have witnessed this phenomenon in so many forms. Most often, I see it in people who can’t be alone with their own thoughts, so they drown out their inner monologue with noise, activity, or chemicals to keep them distracted. I see it in people who say things to and about themselves that they would never say to anyone else in the world. In fact, if they heard someone else treated the way they treat themselves, it would make them uncomfortable or even prompt them to say something. Yet, in my counseling and pastoral work, I constantly encounter more people who treat themselves without grace, with contempt, and with the most severe judgement. Their best work is never good enough; the house isn’t clean enough; they compare their lives to others and inevitably find it falls short; they torture themselves for embarrassing remarks or wrong words spoken.
Brene Brown once advised: “Talk to yourself like someone you love.” It’s more than just a pithy quote. That tidbit of advice has the potential to impact every area of your life. Studies have found that negative self-talk tends to harm our well-being by increasing stress and anxiety. It causes rumination, which is dwelling on mistakes or failures to the point of misery. Negative self-talk lowers self-esteem, breeds self-doubt, reduces resilience, erodes personal motivation, and stunts problem solving over time. On top of all that, it worsens conditions like depression, anxiety disorders, and PTSD. Across the board, the simple act of speaking negatively to yourself contributes to poorer psychological states, worsens emotional distress, and reduces life satisfaction.
As one might predict, the impact of positive self-talk is largely the converse of negative self-talk. It decreases anxiety, boosts confidence and self-esteem, improves motivation, improves performance in various fields, and much more.
Such a simple habit ought to be easy to implement, and the basic steps in doing so aren’t challenging. What makes self-talk hard to change is that we have often trained ourselves to look at ourselves negatively. Some people grew up in hypercritical environments or have developed perfectionist streaks that incline them towards negative self judgement. There are all manner of exercises and practices that can change self-talk, but it requires intentional effort. Often those steps can feel uncomfortable at first.
One of the first steps that most people need to take in changing their self-talk is paying attention to what they are saying. Listening to your inner monologue and taking note of when you use judgmental or cruel language towards yourself. This can go as far as writing down the thoughts and then writing out different ways of thinking.
Once you have reached a point where you are aware of your inner monologue, you can begin actively stopping negative self-talk by reframing your thoughts and words. Reframing involves looking at it from a different angle. In this case, you ask yourself how you would talk to a friend in the same situation. Then you talk to yourself as though you are a friend.
Another useful tool in changing how you think about yourself involves challenging your thoughts and assumptions. Simply looking at things you tend to think about yourself and ask if they are true or logical. What many people find is that their assumptions are driven largely by negative emotions. Many people need outside help with learning to do this sort of assessment, of their own thoughts. Often a trusted friend, pastor, or counselor can help you determine if your self criticisms and assumptions are accurate.