The Big Sandy Mountaineer -

I recently came across an anonymous quote: “A daughter needs a dad to be the standard against which she will judge all men.” There are a slew of variations of this quote in books or on the internet, but in general, they capture the same idea. The role a dad plays in his daughter’s life is huge. She learns a great deal about her value as a person from her dad. She learns how men should treat women by watching her dad’s interaction with her mom and her. She has her earliest emotional needs for love, security, and acceptance met by her dad. This is not to say that mom has no role or that her importance is less than dad’s. Rather, it is to focus on the role fathers play.

In psychology this school of thought is called “attachment theory.” The general idea is that early familial relationships shape and influence all future relationships. To put this simply, we become familiar with patterns and styles of relationships as we grow up. These relationships shape what we seek in our own lives. A simple example can be seen in young ladies whose fathers are distant and uninvested, forcing their daughter to pursue his attention or constantly crave it. It’s not unusual for such young ladies to marry emotionally distant men, whose attention they crave and work to win. This is the reason that children of alcoholics often marry alcoholics as adults. They learn to play a role in their relationships that continues into adulthood. It is also the reason that spouses of alcoholics frequently divorce after their partner sobers up only to marry another heavy drinker. People gravitate toward roles that they learn to live in early in love. This isn’t to say that we cannot choose a new pattern or work toward a different way of relating to others later in life or that some folks just defy the pattern. People are messy and can defy trends. The important idea to take away from these examples, is that fathers ought to take very seriously the relationship they have with their daughters. A great question to ask is: “Would I want my little girl to marry a man like me?” or “Would I be happy if my future son-in-law respected my daughter they way I do?” or “Would I be ok with my future son-in-law spending as much time/attention/effort with my daughter as I do?” or “Would I be ok with my future son-in-law talking to/respecting my daughter the way I do?” This is a big deal because you teach your daughter how her husband should treat her. How much time and attention you lavish on her will become what she learns to accept in the future. If she has to chase you for your attention, you are training her that this is the norm. Of course, people aren’t robots and your children have a great deal of sway over the course of their lives. This doesn’t change the fact that as a father, your influence is enormous. Women often marry men who are a lot like their fathers. This raises a tough question that every dad ought to ask himself and sets a high bar for future parenting decisions.