The Big Sandy Mountaineer -

Between work, the kids, and various hobbies I am pretty busy. As a result of the hectic life I live, I often don’t get to the various tasks I commit to doing around the house. For example, I set out to fix my car a while back. I cleared an afternoon and got to work. Except, I didn’t finish it up. So, a week later I got back to it. Again, I didn’t manage to get the car running. Then it snowed, so I put it off again. After enough time passed, my wife began asking me when I would get the car running. I guessed at a date, which then went by without me fixing the car. After a while, my wife began asking me about the car more often. The increased frequency of asking kind of frustrated me. My agitation with what I perceived as “nagging” eventually drove me to clear my schedule and get the car running. I suspect most married couples are familiar with this cycle and most husbands have eventually gotten something done because their wife has asked them enough times. We get irritated and wish that she would just be a bit more patient with us.

Something weird happened when I was working on getting the car running a few months ago. My wife explained to me how much difficulty and frustration having only one car created for her. It never really occurred to me that many of the tasks I say I’ll take care of create significant inconvenience for her. Often times, those tasks are ones that I have to do. She would probably do them herself rather than deal with my slow response to her requests, but she’s stuck having to deal with me. My putting things off makes her life more difficult. It had never occurred to me how much difficulty my procrastination might make for her. Further, it also means that she could reach a point where she avoids asking me for things, cringes at the prospect of adding things to my “honey do” list, or she could reach a point where she begins to take a combative stance whenever she approaches me about getting things done. What I perceive as “nagging” is her getting frustrated with my indifference to her requests. I don’t want my wife to do any of those things. Actually, to be honest, I want her to look at me as a man who she can trust and respect, as someone she can rely on, and as someone she can admire. I think most husbands feel the same way. The challenge then is that in order for me to be the type of man who she can look at with admiration, respect, and trust; I have to actually be that person. I have to work at being that man. That means listening to her and responding when she asks for me to do things, before she has to nag me about it. It also means that before I get irritated with her responses to me, I have to stop and ask myself what is going on from her perspective. It’s easy to assume she is the enemy, but most wives are well intentioned and good-hearted. They don’t nag for the fun of it. It rises out of frustration or a desire to get us to do what they they need us to do. Understanding her perspective helps us to take a better attitude in response to our wives. This is no small thing. It’s foundational to a happier marriage over the long run.